For My Future

I've been holding on to a journal my sister gave me in January for my birthday. I've been promising myself that I would keep it as a pregnancy diary whenever my husband and I conceived again. Well, we haven't gotten to that point yet, but I decided in a moment of sadness and clarity this past week that I didn't necessarily have to wait completely. This was my entry:

Dear Future Little Bear,

I stood at my sink peeling potatoes today and cried. It wasn't the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last, but I wanted you to know. I know there will be days when you're older, and you'll probably wonder if daddy and me really love you because that's what all children do.

I know these pregnancy journals are supposed to be filled with happy thoughts and well wishes, but I don't think that's very realistic. Everyone worries. Everyone has fears, so I wanted to prove to you that I am just as human as you are. But, I also wanted you to know that even through my doubts and questions I have always loved you - even before you were here.

Today marks the end of the beginning in our attempts to conceive you. It's been six months, and you're still not here. I didn't think it would take this long, and I know that's very naive of me. But, I am human. I don't think anyone thinks about conception until they're actually trying to conceive.

So, today made me sad because it means there is one more month that I have to wait to meet you. I will dry my eyes now, and I will keep trying until you are here. I just wanted you to know that on this day I already love you - even before you have begun your life on this earth.

Love,

The One Who Waits