It's exactly 3:13 A.M. here on the east coast. It's also Wednesday, October 5, 2011 - or so my husband's pilfered computer task bar tells me. And, I don't know about anyone else, but these early morning hour/late evening nights are when I have my life altering epiphanies. How do normal people (namely ones who are able to sleep at night) do it?
My world is one of constant changes. I never seem to do anything a particular way for too long, so my sleep schedule is constantly adjusting. (It probably doesn't help that I'm on a low dosage of constant steroids, but I do the best I can.) Anyway, I'm kind of veering off subject.
My point is that I wanted to tell you the kind of things I think about late at night. For starters when I have one of these benders, its usually because I feel like there's something that needs to be done, and it stresses me to the point where I can't sleep. I know its not healthy (Mom), but I promise I don't do it often. It also usually helps me feel very accomplished for the next few days because I gain those hours that most of you wasted sleeping.
Tonight, I finally reached the point where I felt the dirt in my house slowly creeping in. It started simply enough. Tomorrow is trash day. My husband takes the trash out on Wednesday mornings at 5 A.M. on his way to work, so Tuesday night I get it all together for him. As I walked around, I got a good look at the place - dusty shelves, dirty laundry, a fridge full of leftovers that needed to be thrown out, etc.
And it stuck in my head.
I'm still covered in paint from spending my day putting finishing touches on a ladder shelf D built for me (love it - post to come later), and my back aches from bending over so long to twist and paint upside down...
But it had to be done.
If it hadn't, I wouldn't have slept tonight, and I would've been miserable cleaning house tomorrow when there are other things on my 'To Do' list.
So while I was cleaning, I reflected on my marriage and my life. It's what I usually do during these times. I like to let my mind wander. My second anniversary is only a month away. I still distinctly remember pre-wedding jitters and wondering if I was really doing 'the right thing'. I remember trying on my mother's wedding dress for the first time and knowing that I would never need to look anywhere else.
I remember sitting at a sewing table with a woman I hardly knew (my mother-in-law whom I love dearly now) while we took aforementioned dress apart in hopes of making it fit just right.
I remember how wonderful it was to wake up the next morning and realize that I had started a new chapter in my life.
Where there once was an 'I', there now is a 'we'.
I remember moving into this house during a miserable construction and wondering if we would ever really get along. I remember our first big fight and how ridiculous I thought it was (even then). I remember finding out I was pregnant. We were both so shocked and worried that I think it took weeks to settle in.
I remember being alone and being told that our baby was gone. It was so hard and so sad that sometimes I still can't bear to think about it. My supposed-to-be due date has come and gone now with no baby, but it has drawn us together in a way I didn't know was possible.
I know now that maybe I wasn't ready. I know now what I really want in life. I know what it means to love someone more than yourself. I know what it means to be mad and sad and happy all at the same time.
These are the things that marriage has taught me. These are the things life and love and God have taught me. These are the things Daniel has taught me.
And without any of this, I would never be the same.
So here's to all of us. To life. To love. To loss. It is what we are, and it will be what it will be.
No comments:
Post a Comment